Friday 15 August 2014

Trying to Get Back to Life...

So, as you can see I've been MIA for quite awhile...

Life has been chaotic to say the least. I've been struggling to stay on top of my homework, studying, numerous assignments, being a single mom, trying to save what little money I have to move, and wouldn't you know it? A nasty bout of depression. Again. I feel like I've been walking in a haze, just trying to survive one day to the next...making sure I'm getting the meals done, quality time in with Emily, baths done, hands and faces washed, teeth brushed. Just the smallest daily things, have been exhausting, and all I've felt like I've needed to do is sleep. And even then, a couple of hours at a time for almost 3 years straight (with a few breaks in between) doesn't help much...

I have fully accepted that depression and anxiety are most likely always going to be a part of my life. A big part, and this past year I was able to deal really well, always trying to find the positive side to things, but these past two months I feel like I've been sucked back down into a dark place that I'm just starting to crawl back out of.

An excerpt from a quick journal entry a week or so ago:

"Just when you start to stand back up on your feet,
depression digs in her sharp claws and drags you back down to her level.
Back into her darkness.
I try and shut off my mind,
thinking that if only for a little while...
I can hide.
But there's no hiding,
no denying her presence as it swallows you bit by bit,
until finally she has you fully consumed.
You know you are there,
you know you want out,
but there's no path, no light...
no hands to help you up.
It's just you and her, face to face.
It's so dark, you can't even see her,
but you feel her there -- her breathe kissing your face with that all too familiar heat.
The heat that travels through your body,
consuming you even further because like it or not,
since our mother's womb,
we find the warmth comforting."

I feel like the happier I become and the better things are going for me, that's when I find myself going through the most severe depression. It's a vicious cycle, and one (of many) that I am trying my hardest to break.

I'm thankful to those who have been patient with me in general in my life, but in the blogging world, a huge thanks to those who are patiently awaiting any outstanding reviews I have to write. I assure you, that you were in the back of my mind the whole time.

In all honesty, that's where a lot of my guilt comes from because I like to meet my deadlines. I like to do my best whenever I put out any kind of work. That being said, I think it is important to take a step back from this blog and focus on being a Mom, my health, and my education.

The decision to finish up my last reviews and posts, bringing Living As We to an end has not been an easy one, but I look forward to rejoining the blogging world at a later date when I have the proper time to dedicate to it. It truly is a full time job....and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. ;)

Tuesday 22 July 2014

Can't Wait to See Sex Tape!! #BedroomSpice

Friday marked the opening of Sex Tape, starring the talented Cameron Diaz and one of the funniest actors I've watched on the big screen, Jason Segel.
When Jay (Jason Segel) and Annie (Cameron Diaz) first got together, their romantic connection was intense – but ten years and two kids later, the flame of their love needs a spark. To kick things up a notch, they decide – why not? – to make a video of themselves trying out every position in The Joy of Sex in one marathon three-hour session. It seems like a great idea – until they discover that their most private video is no longer private. With their reputations on the line, they know they’re just one click away from being laid bare to the world... but as their race to reclaim their video leads to a night they'll never forget, they'll find that their video will expose even more than they bargained for.
Can you imagine?! Technology fail, at its' worst.

Maybe you've heard of this little thing called 'sexting'...I think it's hilarious and so when I see funny sexting fails posted online, I can't help but laugh! Personally, not for me, but I know a few people that do it. I have seen some pretty interesting fails, whether it be with autocorrect, or sending the sext to the wrong person.

Just a few of my favourites:

dirty text fail fort 


 And just in case I ever do receive a sext....consider yourselves warned ;) 

I can't wait to go see this movie, especially since the trailer makes me laugh every time. Haven't watched it yet, or in need of a good laugh?

For those who went to see Sex Tape opening weekend, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts in the comments. For those who didn't, what do you think of the trailer? :)

Tuesday 1 July 2014

First Day of School, and Happy Canada Day!

I couldn't help but feel like I was 5 years old again when I walked up to the school yesterday for my first day of class. Uneasy, nervous, feeling especially small.

I managed to make it through the morning without being physically sick, onto the bus and to school on time (I'm horrible for being late.) I drowned out the people around me on the bus with my headphones, trying to distract myself from what I was about to do since I didn't have a great experience with school previously. We constantly moved around during my primary years and never being able to build stable friendships really took its toll on me mentally, to the point where I didn't know how to connect with people anymore come high school. So an eclectic mixture of music has always been a comfort of mine, and on this particular day SOAD and CCR seemed to do the trick. Not to mention a little 90's dance music (one of my many guilty pleasures) to top it off.

An odd sense came over me when I walked into that building. I said good morning to the woman behind the desk, and she smiled at me. I felt welcome and I felt like I was finally on a human level with everyone else that walked those halls...if that makes any sense at all. I found my classroom okay, but there were other students in it (which threw me of a little). But, it turns out they were in the wrong class, not me, so that was a bonus. :)

My instructor is way better than I expected. He is extremely intelligent, well-mannered, and has an amazing sense of humour. Plus, it helps that he cares about what he does. That showed through clearly, even just from this first class. One thing I noticed was he's a bit biased when he's speaking about certain topics. Not often enough to be detrimental to what he's teaching, but enough for me to notice. I can see us having some really intriguing discussions down the road.

There are only 3 people in my class right now, so that is very tolerable in terms of my social anxiety levels. I actually spoke up a few times, and felt completely free to answer questions if I could. If I had of had any questions, I'm sure I would have felt comfortable asking them as well. But I think my learning style is a little different than others. I tend to not have questions until the very end when I'm trying to piece together everything I just learned into one big picture.

It's a lot more work than I anticipated though. So much reading! One chapter a day, one assignment a day, two exams, plus projects in between, before this one is finished. I guess that's the name of the game, but goodness only knows how I'm going to get all of this done with a two and a half year old that thinks pen and paper are for her to draw with whenever they are out.

In terms of the blog, I have gotten a bunch of nothing accomplished this last week! It has been a week full of heightened anxiety levels because of the start of school approaching. Now that I've gotten through the first day, I am hoping that my anxiety will lessen and I'll be able to get at least one review done. I hate making people wait. It weighs heavily on me, but I have to be sure that I am taking care of my health first. I'll get there. :) I promise.

I'm sifting through my neglected inbox today, writing out this post quickly, and then taking the rest of the day to celebrate Canada Day with my daughter! It is so cold outside we are most likely just going to stay in, but I want to be sure to spend as much quality time with her as possible now that I won't be seeing her as much on a daily basis. I didn't realize how much time I would be spending away from her four days of the week. It kind of makes me sad, but at the same time, I am telling myself that this will better us both in the long run.

Happy Canada Day to all of my fellow Canadians!! I hope you are spending it however you want to.