First Day of School, and Happy Canada Day!

I couldn't help but feel like I was 5 years old again when I walked up to the school yesterday for my first day of class. Uneasy, nervous, feeling especially small.

I managed to make it through the morning without being physically sick, onto the bus and to school on time (I'm horrible for being late.) I drowned out the people around me on the bus with my headphones, trying to distract myself from what I was about to do since I didn't have a great experience with school previously. We constantly moved around during my primary years and never being able to build stable friendships really took its toll on me mentally, to the point where I didn't know how to connect with people anymore come high school. So an eclectic mixture of music has always been a comfort of mine, and on this particular day SOAD and CCR seemed to do the trick. Not to mention a little 90's dance music (one of my many guilty pleasures) to top it off.

An odd sense came over me when I walked into that building. I said good morning to the woman behind the desk, and she smiled at me. I felt welcome and I felt like I was finally on a human level with everyone else that walked those halls...if that makes any sense at all. I found my classroom okay, but there were other students in it (which threw me of a little). But, it turns out they were in the wrong class, not me, so that was a bonus. :)

My instructor is way better than I expected. He is extremely intelligent, well-mannered, and has an amazing sense of humour. Plus, it helps that he cares about what he does. That showed through clearly, even just from this first class. One thing I noticed was he's a bit biased when he's speaking about certain topics. Not often enough to be detrimental to what he's teaching, but enough for me to notice. I can see us having some really intriguing discussions down the road.

There are only 3 people in my class right now, so that is very tolerable in terms of my social anxiety levels. I actually spoke up a few times, and felt completely free to answer questions if I could. If I had of had any questions, I'm sure I would have felt comfortable asking them as well. But I think my learning style is a little different than others. I tend to not have questions until the very end when I'm trying to piece together everything I just learned into one big picture.

It's a lot more work than I anticipated though. So much reading! One chapter a day, one assignment a day, two exams, plus projects in between, before this one is finished. I guess that's the name of the game, but goodness only knows how I'm going to get all of this done with a two and a half year old that thinks pen and paper are for her to draw with whenever they are out.

In terms of the blog, I have gotten a bunch of nothing accomplished this last week! It has been a week full of heightened anxiety levels because of the start of school approaching. Now that I've gotten through the first day, I am hoping that my anxiety will lessen and I'll be able to get at least one review done. I hate making people wait. It weighs heavily on me, but I have to be sure that I am taking care of my health first. I'll get there. :) I promise.

I'm sifting through my neglected inbox today, writing out this post quickly, and then taking the rest of the day to celebrate Canada Day with my daughter! It is so cold outside we are most likely just going to stay in, but I want to be sure to spend as much quality time with her as possible now that I won't be seeing her as much on a daily basis. I didn't realize how much time I would be spending away from her four days of the week. It kind of makes me sad, but at the same time, I am telling myself that this will better us both in the long run.

Happy Canada Day to all of my fellow Canadians!! I hope you are spending it however you want to. 

Stress, Anxiety, and Exciting News!

They go hand in hand.

This last week (almost 2 now) I have been waking up with an upset stomach, which I can only put down to stress and anxiety. It has resulted in cancelled plans,  and a lot of TV, books and cereal breakfasts for Emily, while I spent the time back and forth between the bathroom and the couch. Needless to say I haven't been able to get much work done in the way of reviews and my participation in giveaway events has been lacking too.

Of course, it didn't help my workload being without internet for almost a week either. Luckily that is back on thanks to my brother.

Some exciting news though, and probably the source of my stress/anxiety at the moment...

I am officially a college student!! 

I will be taking a business administration course and am really looking forward to getting started as of the 30th. I still have to work on finding housing and a more permanent solution for child care for Emily, but I feel better knowing that I am getting started on my education.

I am thinking that while I'm in school I'm not going to have as much time to dedicate to reviews or running giveaways, so I hope you will bare with me throughout this next year, until I can get back at it with more focus. Currently, I still have plenty to get posted, but I won't be actively pursuing sponsors like I have been. If opportunities should come my way and I think they would be interesting for you I will definitely give them a try if time allows.

I'll most likely be entering a lot more giveaways so Twitter followers beware!  Plus, I've been getting back into reading some books on my TBR list....yay!

Books, giveaways, and classes....oh my!

Let's see where this road leads...

Going Slowly, but Still Going

Some may have noticed that things have been slow going around here, some may not have. Either way, life has been a tad overwhelming lately. Just a warning, this is probably going to be a lengthy post.

At the end of my last post, I had mentioned that I decided on the business administration course at a local college. Last week I attended a meeting with a really welcoming lady, who introduced me more to the program and the school itself. I did an entrance test, which was almost too easy, took a keyboarding speed test, which I pretty much conquered (88 wpm, woo hoo!) and did a quick computer usage test. That one I must have passed because I didn't hear anything else about it. Since I want to start as soon as possible, I decided to enroll for the June 30th start date with a start date in October as plan B. Then we took the time to talk about the challenges that may pop up and prevent me from succeeding in school.

So far, stable housing  and child care are the problems. I've been living with my family members since becoming a single Mom and have been really dependent on them financially while I am trying to get back on my feet. It seems that I've worn out my welcome though, and it is time to move on. My only problem is I have no where to go. I've applied for all of the subsidized housing organizations I can think of, and so far no one has a place for Emily and I, even after I tell them the situation. I hate to say it, but it certainly is starting to feel like they don't care. Like they are just there to do their job, get their pay and go home. Perhaps that's just the negativity in me speaking, but sometimes it is hard to look at the positives when there are such huge obstacles.

Goodness knows I can go rent an apartment in a more dangerous part of the city if I wanted to go that route, but I would like to see another day, and I would like not to fear being out past dark, especially in the winter when the sun goes down early. Ah, who am I kidding? The real crazies know to come out in the day when they are least expected. Anyway...

Finding daycare, or should I say affordable daycare, is another waiting game...and waiting games are especially cruel for us anxious folk. Luckily I've had a couple of offers from relatives to watch Emily while I'm in school, so that is a little bit of pressure off. Though my career development counselor is saying that would be acceptable, she is still wanting me to move towards subsidized of course.  But I'm glad that it's not as much of an obstacle as the housing thing.

To top off all of those worries, my lap top is looking like it might be on it's way out, which is a HUGE problem for me as a blogger. It doesn't stay on for more than 15 or 20 minutes without overheating. It's disheartening to say the least. Please forgive my slow replies to emails, and slow posting. My main priority at the moment is just trying not to get physically sick with my anxiety, being a good Mom, and trying to find a (stable) roof to put over our heads so this lady can keep moving her family in the right direction.

I'm sure everything will fall into place, it usually does...at the last minute, probably why I'm hardly ever prepared for the good stuff. I've always been one to prepare for the worst.

I guess that's the difference between Me now, and Me a year ago. Even while I'm feeling bogged down by life's challenges, I'm still preparing to attend my first day of class on June 30th. And I probably won't give up on the idea until July 1st. :)

I've still got about a month.

What a Day!!

What a day!

I just got back from my appointment with my Career Development Counselor. Only a few hours later...no big deal! Turns out the receptionist that checked me in, didn't really check me in, so the counselor had no idea I was there for over an hour! Talk about feeling invisible.

After we got it all figured out, they had me in there pretty quick, and I took as much as I possibly could away from our discussion. She threw a lot at me all at once though, so it's hard to know how much will actually stick with me.

At the end I was left feeling almost as lost as I felt at the end of high school when everyone started asking the same questions.

What do you want to do? Where do you see yourself in the next few years? How will these courses help you towards your career of choice? Starting wage? Flexibility? Availability? 

If I could have answered those questions back then I would have. I'd like to think that the timing simply wasn't right, and that I've had some time to think about it. Only, I didn't think about it at all.

It's both scary, and a bit of a relief to finally be moving forward with something, even if I'm not a hundred percent sure what that is at this exact moment.

First thing first, time to do some research! I'm thinking the smaller classes of a college setting will be better suited for me and my anxiety.

As it stands right now....I have no clue.

Any advice for someone going back to school? I would love to hear in the comments. :)

The First Step is the Hardest

A couple of weeks ago I talked about something that was pretty big for me. And today I actually did it!

I got back from my testing with Essential Skills Manitoba a few hours ago. I wanted to post right away, but kind of needed to let my mind process what had happened. I feel like I've taken the first step to getting back into school...finally!

I have been putting this off for...well since 2005, when I graduated high school. I had no idea what I really wanted to do. Actually that's a lie, I had too many ideas! I wanted to be a lawyer, designer, doctor, teacher, writer, chef, artist, flight attendant. I wanted to run my own daycare, art gallery, clothing store, restaurant. You name it, I think at one point in my life I wanted to do it or be it.

This was my second attempt to go to the appointment. The first time was mid-February. My anxiety got the best of me, and I wound up so sick I had to call Emily's grandma and aunties to come and pick her up. Luckily, they were able to help out. It took me a good rest to stop throwing up, then the remainder of that night/earlier part of the next morning to work up the nerve to reschedule. Fast forward to yesterday.

Last night was full of anticipation, and some tossing and turning. But at no time did I feel sick, so that was an improvement from my first attempt. I made sure to have things a bit more organized, and Emily's bag packed. Outfits were set out for easy access because lets face it, I am not a morning person in the least. Since I don't have an alarm clock or a phone handy, I asked my mom to wake me up around 7:45. I figured that would give me enough time to get up and get the rest of Emily's stuff and myself ready. Then I woke up Emily, who opened just one eye and gave me the dirtiest look I've ever seen her give to anyone. I don't think she's much of a morning person either. As soon as I told her where she was going though, she perked right up.

"Kokum and Aunties," I told her.

"Kokum! Aunties!" She yelled back at me, while scrambling for her pants and socks.

My anxiety didn't hit me until we were downstairs waiting for her grandpa to come pick us up. It dawned on me that this will actually help open up opportunities. And it scared the heck out of me.

All of those questioning thoughts dissipated quickly once he arrived and I was getting into the truck. I actually started feeling excited instead of anxious, remembering that at one point I loved taking tests. At least I liked them while I was getting good grades.

The test itself seemed quite simple at most parts. I'm guessing it's designed specifically that way just to measure basic skills. I found myself distracted only a couple of times. Oh, and when the laptop I was on decided to restart itself in the middle of switching my spreadsheet to a chart. I think I uttered a quiet "what the f...". Only not so...censored.

What can I say? I can barely hold it in around Emily, so it slips out when I'm not around her more often than not. I don't think anyone was bothered by it though. The lady behind me was full of some pretty interesting choice phrases of her own.

I walked out of there feeling hopeful, as opposed to defeated like I normally feel after leaving these types of situations. Or any situation where I'm out in public, for that matter. I go back on the 24th, when I'll be 'debriefed' as they put it. Sounds super official, but to me it sounds like their nice way of saying ''you will be judged, and we'll get back to you on the 24th". I know that may sound silly to some but those are the kind of irrational, yet uncontrollable thoughts that I am currently trying to keep from bouncing around in my brain. So I'm trying more to focus on the moment I'm in, rather than the before and after's of everything.

On the bright side, while I was leaving something caught my eye. There was this painting that was so vivid, and wonderfully bright (considering I'm more of a black and white kind of gal). I wish I could describe it to you better! The little plaque beneath it read 'local artist Sharon Cory'. I had to take it in for a few minutes and when I got home I looked at some more of her gorgeous artwork. It's the little things like finding a new artist (especially a new local artist) that make my day.

What kind of little things make your day?

Learning to Live Again

March 1st already? It feels like it was just a few weeks ago that I was promising myself to stick to an exercise routine and get back in shape in time for spring. Well, here it is the beginning of March already, and that exercise routine has been long gone for a good month or two already.

I started off dedicated, but slowly tapered off as time seemed to pass quicker and quicker. I even took a month off of updating the blog with new posts, just to catch up on things in my personal life, as well as write at least a few of my outstanding reviews. I was honestly questioning if I should continue or not. It's been a slow process since starting back up at the beginning of February, but I feel so much better now that I'm back in the swing of things!

I didn't realize how much blogging has actually helped me, especially in coping with my anxiety. It's good to be a part of such a supportive community, and I'm glad that I decided not to stop all together. I just couldn't give up on this. If you asked me a few years ago if I was going to start posting again, I can almost guarantee you that my answer would have been no. That's how I know that I've made a lot of progress when it comes to the anxiety/depression part of life.

Lately, in between posts, I've been busy "spring" cleaning, if you will. Maybe it's a tad early, but for some reason I had this overwhelming need to start going through closets, drawers, toy boxes, papers, pretty much everything. I boxed up what can be stored/donated until we move, and threw away what needed to go in the garbage (finally). Not quite done, but it's a work in progress. I'm also in the process of getting back into school. I'm hoping to start in September, but we'll see. I've got my eye on an entrepreneur or business course. I go for testing in a couple of weeks with Essential Skills Manitoba to see whereabouts my skill sets are, and if I am a good fit to go back to school or if I require upgrading beforehand.

Since October, I've only been physically sick with my anxiety attacks one day. Want to know something sad, but true? That's a record for me.

For the last...well, almost ten years now, I was sick pretty much every day. And if not every day, then every second day. It affected everything I did, and so now, I feel like I'm learning to live again.

What are you doing now that it's March?

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