The First Step is the Hardest

A couple of weeks ago I talked about something that was pretty big for me. And today I actually did it!

I got back from my testing with Essential Skills Manitoba a few hours ago. I wanted to post right away, but kind of needed to let my mind process what had happened. I feel like I've taken the first step to getting back into school...finally!

I have been putting this off for...well since 2005, when I graduated high school. I had no idea what I really wanted to do. Actually that's a lie, I had too many ideas! I wanted to be a lawyer, designer, doctor, teacher, writer, chef, artist, flight attendant. I wanted to run my own daycare, art gallery, clothing store, restaurant. You name it, I think at one point in my life I wanted to do it or be it.

This was my second attempt to go to the appointment. The first time was mid-February. My anxiety got the best of me, and I wound up so sick I had to call Emily's grandma and aunties to come and pick her up. Luckily, they were able to help out. It took me a good rest to stop throwing up, then the remainder of that night/earlier part of the next morning to work up the nerve to reschedule. Fast forward to yesterday.

Last night was full of anticipation, and some tossing and turning. But at no time did I feel sick, so that was an improvement from my first attempt. I made sure to have things a bit more organized, and Emily's bag packed. Outfits were set out for easy access because lets face it, I am not a morning person in the least. Since I don't have an alarm clock or a phone handy, I asked my mom to wake me up around 7:45. I figured that would give me enough time to get up and get the rest of Emily's stuff and myself ready. Then I woke up Emily, who opened just one eye and gave me the dirtiest look I've ever seen her give to anyone. I don't think she's much of a morning person either. As soon as I told her where she was going though, she perked right up.

"Kokum and Aunties," I told her.

"Kokum! Aunties!" She yelled back at me, while scrambling for her pants and socks.

My anxiety didn't hit me until we were downstairs waiting for her grandpa to come pick us up. It dawned on me that this will actually help open up opportunities. And it scared the heck out of me.

All of those questioning thoughts dissipated quickly once he arrived and I was getting into the truck. I actually started feeling excited instead of anxious, remembering that at one point I loved taking tests. At least I liked them while I was getting good grades.

The test itself seemed quite simple at most parts. I'm guessing it's designed specifically that way just to measure basic skills. I found myself distracted only a couple of times. Oh, and when the laptop I was on decided to restart itself in the middle of switching my spreadsheet to a chart. I think I uttered a quiet "what the f...". Only not so...censored.

What can I say? I can barely hold it in around Emily, so it slips out when I'm not around her more often than not. I don't think anyone was bothered by it though. The lady behind me was full of some pretty interesting choice phrases of her own.

I walked out of there feeling hopeful, as opposed to defeated like I normally feel after leaving these types of situations. Or any situation where I'm out in public, for that matter. I go back on the 24th, when I'll be 'debriefed' as they put it. Sounds super official, but to me it sounds like their nice way of saying ''you will be judged, and we'll get back to you on the 24th". I know that may sound silly to some but those are the kind of irrational, yet uncontrollable thoughts that I am currently trying to keep from bouncing around in my brain. So I'm trying more to focus on the moment I'm in, rather than the before and after's of everything.

On the bright side, while I was leaving something caught my eye. There was this painting that was so vivid, and wonderfully bright (considering I'm more of a black and white kind of gal). I wish I could describe it to you better! The little plaque beneath it read 'local artist Sharon Cory'. I had to take it in for a few minutes and when I got home I looked at some more of her gorgeous artwork. It's the little things like finding a new artist (especially a new local artist) that make my day.

What kind of little things make your day?

Learning to Live Again

March 1st already? It feels like it was just a few weeks ago that I was promising myself to stick to an exercise routine and get back in shape in time for spring. Well, here it is the beginning of March already, and that exercise routine has been long gone for a good month or two already.

I started off dedicated, but slowly tapered off as time seemed to pass quicker and quicker. I even took a month off of updating the blog with new posts, just to catch up on things in my personal life, as well as write at least a few of my outstanding reviews. I was honestly questioning if I should continue or not. It's been a slow process since starting back up at the beginning of February, but I feel so much better now that I'm back in the swing of things!

I didn't realize how much blogging has actually helped me, especially in coping with my anxiety. It's good to be a part of such a supportive community, and I'm glad that I decided not to stop all together. I just couldn't give up on this. If you asked me a few years ago if I was going to start posting again, I can almost guarantee you that my answer would have been no. That's how I know that I've made a lot of progress when it comes to the anxiety/depression part of life.

Lately, in between posts, I've been busy "spring" cleaning, if you will. Maybe it's a tad early, but for some reason I had this overwhelming need to start going through closets, drawers, toy boxes, papers, pretty much everything. I boxed up what can be stored/donated until we move, and threw away what needed to go in the garbage (finally). Not quite done, but it's a work in progress. I'm also in the process of getting back into school. I'm hoping to start in September, but we'll see. I've got my eye on an entrepreneur or business course. I go for testing in a couple of weeks with Essential Skills Manitoba to see whereabouts my skill sets are, and if I am a good fit to go back to school or if I require upgrading beforehand.

Since October, I've only been physically sick with my anxiety attacks one day. Want to know something sad, but true? That's a record for me.

For the last...well, almost ten years now, I was sick pretty much every day. And if not every day, then every second day. It affected everything I did, and so now, I feel like I'm learning to live again.

What are you doing now that it's March?