Going Slowly, but Still Going

Some may have noticed that things have been slow going around here, some may not have. Either way, life has been a tad overwhelming lately. Just a warning, this is probably going to be a lengthy post.

At the end of my last post, I had mentioned that I decided on the business administration course at a local college. Last week I attended a meeting with a really welcoming lady, who introduced me more to the program and the school itself. I did an entrance test, which was almost too easy, took a keyboarding speed test, which I pretty much conquered (88 wpm, woo hoo!) and did a quick computer usage test. That one I must have passed because I didn't hear anything else about it. Since I want to start as soon as possible, I decided to enroll for the June 30th start date with a start date in October as plan B. Then we took the time to talk about the challenges that may pop up and prevent me from succeeding in school.

So far, stable housing  and child care are the problems. I've been living with my family members since becoming a single Mom and have been really dependent on them financially while I am trying to get back on my feet. It seems that I've worn out my welcome though, and it is time to move on. My only problem is I have no where to go. I've applied for all of the subsidized housing organizations I can think of, and so far no one has a place for Emily and I, even after I tell them the situation. I hate to say it, but it certainly is starting to feel like they don't care. Like they are just there to do their job, get their pay and go home. Perhaps that's just the negativity in me speaking, but sometimes it is hard to look at the positives when there are such huge obstacles.

Goodness knows I can go rent an apartment in a more dangerous part of the city if I wanted to go that route, but I would like to see another day, and I would like not to fear being out past dark, especially in the winter when the sun goes down early. Ah, who am I kidding? The real crazies know to come out in the day when they are least expected. Anyway...

Finding daycare, or should I say affordable daycare, is another waiting game...and waiting games are especially cruel for us anxious folk. Luckily I've had a couple of offers from relatives to watch Emily while I'm in school, so that is a little bit of pressure off. Though my career development counselor is saying that would be acceptable, she is still wanting me to move towards subsidized of course.  But I'm glad that it's not as much of an obstacle as the housing thing.

To top off all of those worries, my lap top is looking like it might be on it's way out, which is a HUGE problem for me as a blogger. It doesn't stay on for more than 15 or 20 minutes without overheating. It's disheartening to say the least. Please forgive my slow replies to emails, and slow posting. My main priority at the moment is just trying not to get physically sick with my anxiety, being a good Mom, and trying to find a (stable) roof to put over our heads so this lady can keep moving her family in the right direction.

I'm sure everything will fall into place, it usually does...at the last minute, probably why I'm hardly ever prepared for the good stuff. I've always been one to prepare for the worst.

I guess that's the difference between Me now, and Me a year ago. Even while I'm feeling bogged down by life's challenges, I'm still preparing to attend my first day of class on June 30th. And I probably won't give up on the idea until July 1st. :)

I've still got about a month.

The First Step is the Hardest

A couple of weeks ago I talked about something that was pretty big for me. And today I actually did it!

I got back from my testing with Essential Skills Manitoba a few hours ago. I wanted to post right away, but kind of needed to let my mind process what had happened. I feel like I've taken the first step to getting back into school...finally!

I have been putting this off for...well since 2005, when I graduated high school. I had no idea what I really wanted to do. Actually that's a lie, I had too many ideas! I wanted to be a lawyer, designer, doctor, teacher, writer, chef, artist, flight attendant. I wanted to run my own daycare, art gallery, clothing store, restaurant. You name it, I think at one point in my life I wanted to do it or be it.

This was my second attempt to go to the appointment. The first time was mid-February. My anxiety got the best of me, and I wound up so sick I had to call Emily's grandma and aunties to come and pick her up. Luckily, they were able to help out. It took me a good rest to stop throwing up, then the remainder of that night/earlier part of the next morning to work up the nerve to reschedule. Fast forward to yesterday.

Last night was full of anticipation, and some tossing and turning. But at no time did I feel sick, so that was an improvement from my first attempt. I made sure to have things a bit more organized, and Emily's bag packed. Outfits were set out for easy access because lets face it, I am not a morning person in the least. Since I don't have an alarm clock or a phone handy, I asked my mom to wake me up around 7:45. I figured that would give me enough time to get up and get the rest of Emily's stuff and myself ready. Then I woke up Emily, who opened just one eye and gave me the dirtiest look I've ever seen her give to anyone. I don't think she's much of a morning person either. As soon as I told her where she was going though, she perked right up.

"Kokum and Aunties," I told her.

"Kokum! Aunties!" She yelled back at me, while scrambling for her pants and socks.

My anxiety didn't hit me until we were downstairs waiting for her grandpa to come pick us up. It dawned on me that this will actually help open up opportunities. And it scared the heck out of me.

All of those questioning thoughts dissipated quickly once he arrived and I was getting into the truck. I actually started feeling excited instead of anxious, remembering that at one point I loved taking tests. At least I liked them while I was getting good grades.

The test itself seemed quite simple at most parts. I'm guessing it's designed specifically that way just to measure basic skills. I found myself distracted only a couple of times. Oh, and when the laptop I was on decided to restart itself in the middle of switching my spreadsheet to a chart. I think I uttered a quiet "what the f...". Only not so...censored.

What can I say? I can barely hold it in around Emily, so it slips out when I'm not around her more often than not. I don't think anyone was bothered by it though. The lady behind me was full of some pretty interesting choice phrases of her own.

I walked out of there feeling hopeful, as opposed to defeated like I normally feel after leaving these types of situations. Or any situation where I'm out in public, for that matter. I go back on the 24th, when I'll be 'debriefed' as they put it. Sounds super official, but to me it sounds like their nice way of saying ''you will be judged, and we'll get back to you on the 24th". I know that may sound silly to some but those are the kind of irrational, yet uncontrollable thoughts that I am currently trying to keep from bouncing around in my brain. So I'm trying more to focus on the moment I'm in, rather than the before and after's of everything.

On the bright side, while I was leaving something caught my eye. There was this painting that was so vivid, and wonderfully bright (considering I'm more of a black and white kind of gal). I wish I could describe it to you better! The little plaque beneath it read 'local artist Sharon Cory'. I had to take it in for a few minutes and when I got home I looked at some more of her gorgeous artwork. It's the little things like finding a new artist (especially a new local artist) that make my day.

What kind of little things make your day?

Learning to Live Again

March 1st already? It feels like it was just a few weeks ago that I was promising myself to stick to an exercise routine and get back in shape in time for spring. Well, here it is the beginning of March already, and that exercise routine has been long gone for a good month or two already.

I started off dedicated, but slowly tapered off as time seemed to pass quicker and quicker. I even took a month off of updating the blog with new posts, just to catch up on things in my personal life, as well as write at least a few of my outstanding reviews. I was honestly questioning if I should continue or not. It's been a slow process since starting back up at the beginning of February, but I feel so much better now that I'm back in the swing of things!

I didn't realize how much blogging has actually helped me, especially in coping with my anxiety. It's good to be a part of such a supportive community, and I'm glad that I decided not to stop all together. I just couldn't give up on this. If you asked me a few years ago if I was going to start posting again, I can almost guarantee you that my answer would have been no. That's how I know that I've made a lot of progress when it comes to the anxiety/depression part of life.

Lately, in between posts, I've been busy "spring" cleaning, if you will. Maybe it's a tad early, but for some reason I had this overwhelming need to start going through closets, drawers, toy boxes, papers, pretty much everything. I boxed up what can be stored/donated until we move, and threw away what needed to go in the garbage (finally). Not quite done, but it's a work in progress. I'm also in the process of getting back into school. I'm hoping to start in September, but we'll see. I've got my eye on an entrepreneur or business course. I go for testing in a couple of weeks with Essential Skills Manitoba to see whereabouts my skill sets are, and if I am a good fit to go back to school or if I require upgrading beforehand.

Since October, I've only been physically sick with my anxiety attacks one day. Want to know something sad, but true? That's a record for me.

For the last...well, almost ten years now, I was sick pretty much every day. And if not every day, then every second day. It affected everything I did, and so now, I feel like I'm learning to live again.

What are you doing now that it's March?

Change Your Hair, Change Your Life!

It's amazing how a new 'do can change how you feel on the inside. It's been just about 2 weeks since I visited the Aura Hair Salon over at our local shopping centre, Kildonan Place. Managing Partner, Dan Potenza and Senior Stylist, Amy Nilsson were very kind to offer their assistance in my transformation.

For the longest time, at least 12 years ago, I started thinking about experimenting with different hair colours: blonds, reds, purples, blues...You name it. A few things held me back; mainly my confidence and money. I didn't think that I could "pull off" being a blond, or a redhead. I suppose I was afraid of the attention I'd draw towards myself if I couldn't blend in with my regular hair. It's okay to be afraid, but I decided over the years that it's NOT okay to let that fear hold me back from being who I see myself as. So I decided to take a few steps forward.

 Old Me

The trip over to Aura was one of those bounce-your-leg, bite-your-nails sorts of anticipation. Walking up to the reception desk took a lot of courage, and I had to fight the instinct to run away when the woman behind the counter asked me how I was, and who I was there to see that day.

Since I was a few minutes early, Amy was finishing up with her previous client, so I sat and waited in the little waiting area.

"Fashion or Trash?" I heard someone say, in reference to some magazines. That made me smile and automatically I knew I felt at home there. Sure enough that someone happened to be Amy!

I had brought along a few pictures of hairstyles I liked, as she had suggested over the phone. Amy was so helpful, letting me know the ups and downs with each pictured style. Not once did I feel bad about not knowing the hair lingo. We decided on the one that would require the lowest amount of maintenance.  Since I'm a Mom with a toddler, this was probably the single most important deciding factor when it came to choosing my style.

Amy was very knowledgeable and shared with me some important information, and some great suggestions. One of which being to go with highlights over just dying my whole head. Benefits were a more natural look and no hard skunk stripe when my roots start coming in. Plus I have to go back to get them touched up less often. Money savings? Sounded good to me! She was also very personable, friendly and welcoming. We shared family stories back and forth and chatted up a storm. I was surprised to find out that she's gotten to travel south of the border for extra training! I always thought once you were certified that was it, but found it incredibly comforting that she keeps educating herself further.

Towards the end, I started getting extremely nervous about how I should say goodbye, what kinds of questions should I be asking her, Should I be asking questions? etc etc. But when she started blowdrying my hair and doing the cut, I could barely believe my eyes! The person staring back at me seemed so different from the person that was there only a couple hours before.

My favourite, well one of my favourite, parts of this entire experience was getting to donate my hair! I was absolutely delighted when she informed me that I can donate my hair. That's something that I've always wanted to do. I didn't think my hair was nearly long enough for that, but it was, and since it was untreated, it was acceptable. That made me feel so amazing and was totally unexpected! I will never forget the feeling of that smile that came across my face at that moment.

Overall, I loved this experience, and don't know why I waited so long to do it. Going to a professional, especially going from brown to blond, has been invaluable. It was an amazing feeling to pamper myself, and to allow myself a change for once. I would encourage everyone who puts themselves on the bottom of the totem pole to let yourself be treated too! Taking care of my outside has helped me on the inside. I only hope you find the same comfort I did.

If you are from Winnipeg or are in the Winnipeg area and are in need of Haircare, I would strongly recommend Aura in Kildonan Place Shopping Centre. Not only do they take care of your Hair needs, but your Skin and Nail needs too! The whole team was warm and friendly, but Amy was especially great. My hat (if I wore one) goes off to her and we will be seeing each other again in about 4 or 5 weeks :)

Pictured: Amy Nilsson, New Me :)

I would like to say Thank You to Dan and Amy both at Aura - Kildonan Place for all of your help! You can find Aura on their Website or on Facebook. 

Disclosure: Services were provided to me at no charge in exchange for this review.

Life with IBS, Anxiety and Depression

To say that I've struggled with IBS, anxiety and depression is a huge understatement. In the past ten years, there have been many trips to the emergency rooms, well over 20 different medications, and there's been me, going from someone who had a little bit of confidence, to someone who had none. I've seen myself go from a healthy, intelligent teenage girl, to someone so unsure of herself that it physically makes her ill as an adult. I have hid pretty much my entire life and have missed out on a lot. I've lost a lot of great friends along the way (if only I knew how to be a friend....but that will be another post). It got to the point where I was actually afraid to leave my house. 'Slight Agoraphobia' my doctor wrote one time. It's really hard to cope with that situation when you know deep down that that's not you. That extremely fearful, overly conscientious, ridiculously polite girl that doesn't speak her mind....that's just not me! I had lost all sense of adventure, all sense of what truly makes me happy as a human being, and all sense of hope for getting better.

Over the past half a year or so, things have started to turn around. It's really hard to put my finger on exactly what has been helping me, but so far I feel like I've identified a few things:

• Emily. Our daughter has this way of putting things into perspective for us. She helps us decide what truly matters in this life of ours, every day. Watching her learn how to walk was eye opening for me, in particular. To see a living thing,  grow from needing support all of the time, to needing support standing, and then to being able to take one step at a time until out of the blue one day they can walk on their own, was just amazing to me. It reaffirmed what I already knew: that it just takes a little bit of work each day to get to where you want to be. As long as you know whereabouts you want to go, all it takes is a little more determination today, than you had yesterday. :)
• Exercise. Exercise was a scary word for me. I would hear it, and think ugh....sweaty hard work, going to wind up feeling light headed, sick and out of energy for the rest of the day. But now I realize that exercise doesn't mean going to the gym for an hour or two...I mean it can, but not always.  For me, I prefer to go on really long, exploratory walks. Instead of taking the bus to where we want to go, recently we've been walking. It's improving the way I feel everyday, and knowing that as long as I put in a little more effort today than I did the day before has made a big impact. It's also been a great way for my husband and I to have little (free) adventures of our own.
• Changing my diet. Yes diet, another scary word. But for me it hasn't so much been about following any specific diet, just about making a few different choices. For example, for our dairy products, we always choose the light, or lower fat version. Yes, fat free sour cream doesn't taste as good as the one with 14% fat....but I'm definitely willing to sacrifice a little taste to know that I'm a lot healthier because of it. I have also been making sure to actually eat. It makes a difference, and a lot of the times I wasn't eating until dinner time. I'd usually wind up sick by that hour. In the morning, even though I still feel a little iffy some mornings, I try and make myself drink a smoothie for some energy through the day. So far with Diet and Exercise I'm down about 10 pounds. 
• Finding what makes me happy. That has been the biggest challenge, but then I just figured I'd go back to the basics. I thought about it and figured what better place to start than when I was the happiest in my life.  I went all the way back to when I was around 8 and 9 years old. I had lots of friends, I did well in school, I always tried at everything I did. I wanted to be a teacher, a writer or an artist. I enjoyed reading, writing, creating art, and going on adventures, exploring the unknown, swimming, riding my bike, stuff like that....the simple stuff. I started reading again, and writing, and creating. The adventures and exploring part have been more recently reawakened. I am still really hesitant to get on a bike...but we'll get there :)  My advice to others out there trying to find their way....As long as you're not hurting anyone, do what makes you happy! Everything else will fall into place as it comes at you. 

It takes a lot to sit down and figure out who you actually want to be, who you see yourself as, where you want to be..all of those things. It's probably one of the hardest questions in life, Who am I? One I am assuming every human being has asked themselves at one point or another. Something I've been thinking about for a long time, since about 16 years old. I am a free spirited person. I truly love people (even though I am extremely fearful of them) and I believe in telling the truth, no matter how ugly it may be. Those are just a few things I've come to learn and accept about myself.

Years later, I am still trying to figure that answer out a hundred percent, but at least now I have a bit of an understanding and I'm being a little more proactive in making it so, instead of just saying that I want these things.

Over the next few months I'll be making over my outside to match the inside. I want to look like I feel. It starts with the hair :) For the longest time, I've wanted to experiment with fun colours, so I'll be going blonde for the first time in my life. I have no idea how I'll look, and I've always been afraid of it. So I figured here goes nothing, and I don't want to wonder about it for the rest of my life. Next will be a tattoo, to symbolize my mantra for life: Let it Be. It's something I tell myself over and over, reminding myself that there is only so much in this life for me to control. Everything else, I just need to take it stride.

I will be sharing this journey step by step and hope that maybe it will help someone else out there struggling through something similar.  You may feel stuck now, but it does get better :)

Have you had any experiences with IBS, anxiety or depression? What helped you through?