Thursday, 13 March 2014

The First Step is the Hardest

A couple of weeks ago I talked about something that was pretty big for me. And today I actually did it!

I got back from my testing with Essential Skills Manitoba a few hours ago. I wanted to post right away, but kind of needed to let my mind process what had happened. I feel like I've taken the first step to getting back into school...finally!

I have been putting this off for...well since 2005, when I graduated high school. I had no idea what I really wanted to do. Actually that's a lie, I had too many ideas! I wanted to be a lawyer, designer, doctor, teacher, writer, chef, artist, flight attendant. I wanted to run my own daycare, art gallery, clothing store, restaurant. You name it, I think at one point in my life I wanted to do it or be it.

This was my second attempt to go to the appointment. The first time was mid-February. My anxiety got the best of me, and I wound up so sick I had to call Emily's grandma and aunties to come and pick her up. Luckily, they were able to help out. It took me a good rest to stop throwing up, then the remainder of that night/earlier part of the next morning to work up the nerve to reschedule. Fast forward to yesterday.

Last night was full of anticipation, and some tossing and turning. But at no time did I feel sick, so that was an improvement from my first attempt. I made sure to have things a bit more organized, and Emily's bag packed. Outfits were set out for easy access because lets face it, I am not a morning person in the least. Since I don't have an alarm clock or a phone handy, I asked my mom to wake me up around 7:45. I figured that would give me enough time to get up and get the rest of Emily's stuff and myself ready. Then I woke up Emily, who opened just one eye and gave me the dirtiest look I've ever seen her give to anyone. I don't think she's much of a morning person either. As soon as I told her where she was going though, she perked right up.

"Kokum and Aunties," I told her.

"Kokum! Aunties!" She yelled back at me, while scrambling for her pants and socks.

My anxiety didn't hit me until we were downstairs waiting for her grandpa to come pick us up. It dawned on me that this will actually help open up opportunities. And it scared the heck out of me.

All of those questioning thoughts dissipated quickly once he arrived and I was getting into the truck. I actually started feeling excited instead of anxious, remembering that at one point I loved taking tests. At least I liked them while I was getting good grades.

The test itself seemed quite simple at most parts. I'm guessing it's designed specifically that way just to measure basic skills. I found myself distracted only a couple of times. Oh, and when the laptop I was on decided to restart itself in the middle of switching my spreadsheet to a chart. I think I uttered a quiet "what the f...". Only not so...censored.

What can I say? I can barely hold it in around Emily, so it slips out when I'm not around her more often than not. I don't think anyone was bothered by it though. The lady behind me was full of some pretty interesting choice phrases of her own.

I walked out of there feeling hopeful, as opposed to defeated like I normally feel after leaving these types of situations. Or any situation where I'm out in public, for that matter. I go back on the 24th, when I'll be 'debriefed' as they put it. Sounds super official, but to me it sounds like their nice way of saying ''you will be judged, and we'll get back to you on the 24th". I know that may sound silly to some but those are the kind of irrational, yet uncontrollable thoughts that I am currently trying to keep from bouncing around in my brain. So I'm trying more to focus on the moment I'm in, rather than the before and after's of everything.

On the bright side, while I was leaving something caught my eye. There was this painting that was so vivid, and wonderfully bright (considering I'm more of a black and white kind of gal). I wish I could describe it to you better! The little plaque beneath it read 'local artist Sharon Cory'. I had to take it in for a few minutes and when I got home I looked at some more of her gorgeous artwork. It's the little things like finding a new artist (especially a new local artist) that make my day.

What kind of little things make your day?


  1. good luck - you took a big step

  2. Don't give up on your dreams of going back to school. Stick with your goal and you will realize your dream before you know it. Good luck.

  3. Congrats on taking that first step!
    Today I saw the first Spring flowers and saw that a couple of trees are budding.
    That's the kind of little things that make my day.

    slehan at juno dot com

  4. first steps usually are the hardest, but now that you've taken it, the hardest thing is already behind you.

    good luck!! you'll reach your goal before you know it

  5. Good luck!! The first step is always the hardest is right but so worth it

  6. i agree....first step is always hard but the initiation makes half work done successfully..

  7. NEVER give up on your dreams.. There will always be hard points but the end goal is so worth it :) Good luck!

  8. Good luck with your studies! I always find that nice weather and sunshine makes my day!

  9. Getting to work on time. (I work at 5 in the morning ) if the beginning of my day starts out good it just makes the rest of my day a breeze.