Why I Missed Out on the Junos

Once again Anxiety rears its' Ugly Head

This past year, I've been on a mission to not let my fears hold me back, kind of jumping without looking if you will, or acting before I have a chance to over analyze everything I'm about to do.

A few months back, I received a random email in my inbox inviting people to volunteer at JunoFest.  There were so many different positions offered, I thought for sure I would find something that would work for me. I knew that I had the support of Emily's grandparents and aunties to help out when or if the time came, so I didn't have to worry about that. I dove in, and signed up.

A Few Reasons I Wanted to Try Volunteering....

• I thought it would be a GREAT way to test the waters, see how I would do in a crowded situation.

•  I think Canadian music is under appreciated by a lot of people.

• I wanted the chance to be a part of something as huge as the Junos.

• Music is an important part of my life, and I have a very deep connection with almost everything I hear. If I can't connect with it, I can't listen to it.  This was a chance to be a part of the music world in a new way.

• Volunteering is something I hold close to my heart too. I believe that it's one of the most valuable things that a person can do in their lives. There are so many essential services that are rely on volunteer workers.

When I received the second email that said I could apply to be a seatfiller for the live broadcast event, I was even more excited! To be in the same room with group of people that I respect, would have been a really interesting experience. Plus, the only actual qualifications it seemed were to act appropriately, dress appropriately, and be able to move quickly. Hey, I could do that, right?

So, I signed up for that one too, got approved for both, and waited to hear back for more details. Closer to the time, about a week before, I got scheduled to work the merchandise shift at one of the venues for JunoFest. I figured I have a lot of experience working behind a counter with customer type stuff, so it is something I'm at least semi-familiar with. I was also told to wait until a day or two before the live event for complete details on the seatfiller shift.

I put it out of my mind, so I didn't have the opportunity to get nervous about everything. Fast forward to Friday, the first merchandise shift....I couldn't even do it! It wasn't like it was before, when I would get physically sick before, during and after my work shifts (when I had a job). I didn't get sick, but I started having mild panic attacks.

I started to sweat a lot, I felt my heart rate increase, my chest started to hurt, and the tunnel vision set it. That's how I knew it just wasn't the right time to do this. I know people would say push through it, but for me it's about listening to my body's reaction and responding accordingly. I have to make sure that my panic attacks don't turn into something more severe like they have in the past.

I went ahead and wrote my disappointing email to the volunteer coordinator, apologizing as sincerely as I can over the internet, since I just couldn't bring myself to call and explain. After all, how can you explain anxiety to someone who is probably incredibly stressed out about what's going on in their own life at that moment, with something as huge as JunoFest? Needless to say, I never did get a message back...and while I can completely understand that, I can't say it still doesn't hurt a little.

The night of the Junos, I tuned in to see Serena Ryder and Classified open the show, only to realize how depressed I felt not to be there. I had to turn it off to stop from crying, but I had to remind myself that maybe this one just wasn't meant to be and that this wasn't a waste.

So What Did I Take Away From This?

A lot actually.

I learned that I am almost there. Just a few more baby steps with smaller things to build just a little bit more confidence, and I would have been ready. Even though that may not seem as big as getting to be in the same room with a bunch of inspiring musicians, I still think it's a totally invaluable.

I learned that I can't let having to back out of opportunities keep me from putting myself out there to at least try new things. I have to keep trying. One thing at a time.

Unfortunately, the Junos didn't happen for me....but something else did. I attempted something that I haven't attempted in about 4 years. That just has to be a win.

What about you? Do you deal with anxiety? Have you ever had to back out of something you really wanted to be a part of? What do you do to help you through?

The First Step is the Hardest

A couple of weeks ago I talked about something that was pretty big for me. And today I actually did it!

I got back from my testing with Essential Skills Manitoba a few hours ago. I wanted to post right away, but kind of needed to let my mind process what had happened. I feel like I've taken the first step to getting back into school...finally!

I have been putting this off for...well since 2005, when I graduated high school. I had no idea what I really wanted to do. Actually that's a lie, I had too many ideas! I wanted to be a lawyer, designer, doctor, teacher, writer, chef, artist, flight attendant. I wanted to run my own daycare, art gallery, clothing store, restaurant. You name it, I think at one point in my life I wanted to do it or be it.

This was my second attempt to go to the appointment. The first time was mid-February. My anxiety got the best of me, and I wound up so sick I had to call Emily's grandma and aunties to come and pick her up. Luckily, they were able to help out. It took me a good rest to stop throwing up, then the remainder of that night/earlier part of the next morning to work up the nerve to reschedule. Fast forward to yesterday.

Last night was full of anticipation, and some tossing and turning. But at no time did I feel sick, so that was an improvement from my first attempt. I made sure to have things a bit more organized, and Emily's bag packed. Outfits were set out for easy access because lets face it, I am not a morning person in the least. Since I don't have an alarm clock or a phone handy, I asked my mom to wake me up around 7:45. I figured that would give me enough time to get up and get the rest of Emily's stuff and myself ready. Then I woke up Emily, who opened just one eye and gave me the dirtiest look I've ever seen her give to anyone. I don't think she's much of a morning person either. As soon as I told her where she was going though, she perked right up.

"Kokum and Aunties," I told her.

"Kokum! Aunties!" She yelled back at me, while scrambling for her pants and socks.

My anxiety didn't hit me until we were downstairs waiting for her grandpa to come pick us up. It dawned on me that this will actually help open up opportunities. And it scared the heck out of me.

All of those questioning thoughts dissipated quickly once he arrived and I was getting into the truck. I actually started feeling excited instead of anxious, remembering that at one point I loved taking tests. At least I liked them while I was getting good grades.

The test itself seemed quite simple at most parts. I'm guessing it's designed specifically that way just to measure basic skills. I found myself distracted only a couple of times. Oh, and when the laptop I was on decided to restart itself in the middle of switching my spreadsheet to a chart. I think I uttered a quiet "what the f...". Only not so...censored.

What can I say? I can barely hold it in around Emily, so it slips out when I'm not around her more often than not. I don't think anyone was bothered by it though. The lady behind me was full of some pretty interesting choice phrases of her own.

I walked out of there feeling hopeful, as opposed to defeated like I normally feel after leaving these types of situations. Or any situation where I'm out in public, for that matter. I go back on the 24th, when I'll be 'debriefed' as they put it. Sounds super official, but to me it sounds like their nice way of saying ''you will be judged, and we'll get back to you on the 24th". I know that may sound silly to some but those are the kind of irrational, yet uncontrollable thoughts that I am currently trying to keep from bouncing around in my brain. So I'm trying more to focus on the moment I'm in, rather than the before and after's of everything.

On the bright side, while I was leaving something caught my eye. There was this painting that was so vivid, and wonderfully bright (considering I'm more of a black and white kind of gal). I wish I could describe it to you better! The little plaque beneath it read 'local artist Sharon Cory'. I had to take it in for a few minutes and when I got home I looked at some more of her gorgeous artwork. It's the little things like finding a new artist (especially a new local artist) that make my day.

What kind of little things make your day?

Learning to Live Again

March 1st already? It feels like it was just a few weeks ago that I was promising myself to stick to an exercise routine and get back in shape in time for spring. Well, here it is the beginning of March already, and that exercise routine has been long gone for a good month or two already.

I started off dedicated, but slowly tapered off as time seemed to pass quicker and quicker. I even took a month off of updating the blog with new posts, just to catch up on things in my personal life, as well as write at least a few of my outstanding reviews. I was honestly questioning if I should continue or not. It's been a slow process since starting back up at the beginning of February, but I feel so much better now that I'm back in the swing of things!

I didn't realize how much blogging has actually helped me, especially in coping with my anxiety. It's good to be a part of such a supportive community, and I'm glad that I decided not to stop all together. I just couldn't give up on this. If you asked me a few years ago if I was going to start posting again, I can almost guarantee you that my answer would have been no. That's how I know that I've made a lot of progress when it comes to the anxiety/depression part of life.

Lately, in between posts, I've been busy "spring" cleaning, if you will. Maybe it's a tad early, but for some reason I had this overwhelming need to start going through closets, drawers, toy boxes, papers, pretty much everything. I boxed up what can be stored/donated until we move, and threw away what needed to go in the garbage (finally). Not quite done, but it's a work in progress. I'm also in the process of getting back into school. I'm hoping to start in September, but we'll see. I've got my eye on an entrepreneur or business course. I go for testing in a couple of weeks with Essential Skills Manitoba to see whereabouts my skill sets are, and if I am a good fit to go back to school or if I require upgrading beforehand.

Since October, I've only been physically sick with my anxiety attacks one day. Want to know something sad, but true? That's a record for me.

For the last...well, almost ten years now, I was sick pretty much every day. And if not every day, then every second day. It affected everything I did, and so now, I feel like I'm learning to live again.

What are you doing now that it's March?

Life with IBS, Anxiety and Depression

To say that I've struggled with IBS, anxiety and depression is a huge understatement. In the past ten years, there have been many trips to the emergency rooms, well over 20 different medications, and there's been me, going from someone who had a little bit of confidence, to someone who had none. I've seen myself go from a healthy, intelligent teenage girl, to someone so unsure of herself that it physically makes her ill as an adult. I have hid pretty much my entire life and have missed out on a lot. I've lost a lot of great friends along the way (if only I knew how to be a friend....but that will be another post). It got to the point where I was actually afraid to leave my house. 'Slight Agoraphobia' my doctor wrote one time. It's really hard to cope with that situation when you know deep down that that's not you. That extremely fearful, overly conscientious, ridiculously polite girl that doesn't speak her mind....that's just not me! I had lost all sense of adventure, all sense of what truly makes me happy as a human being, and all sense of hope for getting better.

Over the past half a year or so, things have started to turn around. It's really hard to put my finger on exactly what has been helping me, but so far I feel like I've identified a few things:

• Emily. Our daughter has this way of putting things into perspective for us. She helps us decide what truly matters in this life of ours, every day. Watching her learn how to walk was eye opening for me, in particular. To see a living thing,  grow from needing support all of the time, to needing support standing, and then to being able to take one step at a time until out of the blue one day they can walk on their own, was just amazing to me. It reaffirmed what I already knew: that it just takes a little bit of work each day to get to where you want to be. As long as you know whereabouts you want to go, all it takes is a little more determination today, than you had yesterday. :)
• Exercise. Exercise was a scary word for me. I would hear it, and think ugh....sweaty hard work, going to wind up feeling light headed, sick and out of energy for the rest of the day. But now I realize that exercise doesn't mean going to the gym for an hour or two...I mean it can, but not always.  For me, I prefer to go on really long, exploratory walks. Instead of taking the bus to where we want to go, recently we've been walking. It's improving the way I feel everyday, and knowing that as long as I put in a little more effort today than I did the day before has made a big impact. It's also been a great way for my husband and I to have little (free) adventures of our own.
• Changing my diet. Yes diet, another scary word. But for me it hasn't so much been about following any specific diet, just about making a few different choices. For example, for our dairy products, we always choose the light, or lower fat version. Yes, fat free sour cream doesn't taste as good as the one with 14% fat....but I'm definitely willing to sacrifice a little taste to know that I'm a lot healthier because of it. I have also been making sure to actually eat. It makes a difference, and a lot of the times I wasn't eating until dinner time. I'd usually wind up sick by that hour. In the morning, even though I still feel a little iffy some mornings, I try and make myself drink a smoothie for some energy through the day. So far with Diet and Exercise I'm down about 10 pounds. 
• Finding what makes me happy. That has been the biggest challenge, but then I just figured I'd go back to the basics. I thought about it and figured what better place to start than when I was the happiest in my life.  I went all the way back to when I was around 8 and 9 years old. I had lots of friends, I did well in school, I always tried at everything I did. I wanted to be a teacher, a writer or an artist. I enjoyed reading, writing, creating art, and going on adventures, exploring the unknown, swimming, riding my bike, stuff like that....the simple stuff. I started reading again, and writing, and creating. The adventures and exploring part have been more recently reawakened. I am still really hesitant to get on a bike...but we'll get there :)  My advice to others out there trying to find their way....As long as you're not hurting anyone, do what makes you happy! Everything else will fall into place as it comes at you. 

It takes a lot to sit down and figure out who you actually want to be, who you see yourself as, where you want to be..all of those things. It's probably one of the hardest questions in life, Who am I? One I am assuming every human being has asked themselves at one point or another. Something I've been thinking about for a long time, since about 16 years old. I am a free spirited person. I truly love people (even though I am extremely fearful of them) and I believe in telling the truth, no matter how ugly it may be. Those are just a few things I've come to learn and accept about myself.

Years later, I am still trying to figure that answer out a hundred percent, but at least now I have a bit of an understanding and I'm being a little more proactive in making it so, instead of just saying that I want these things.

Over the next few months I'll be making over my outside to match the inside. I want to look like I feel. It starts with the hair :) For the longest time, I've wanted to experiment with fun colours, so I'll be going blonde for the first time in my life. I have no idea how I'll look, and I've always been afraid of it. So I figured here goes nothing, and I don't want to wonder about it for the rest of my life. Next will be a tattoo, to symbolize my mantra for life: Let it Be. It's something I tell myself over and over, reminding myself that there is only so much in this life for me to control. Everything else, I just need to take it stride.

I will be sharing this journey step by step and hope that maybe it will help someone else out there struggling through something similar.  You may feel stuck now, but it does get better :)

Have you had any experiences with IBS, anxiety or depression? What helped you through?